Talking Back to Your Inner Critic

You forget one item at the store and a voice says, "You can't do anything right." You get a little feedback at work and the voice says, "They're finally seeing what a fraud you are." You look in the mirror and the voice has a long list ready.

Most people have some version of an inner critic. It often sounds like a parent, a former teacher, an ex or simply a harsher version of ourselves. The critic is loud, fast and confident. It is also frequently wrong.

You cannot always stop a critical thought from showing up. You can learn to answer it. This post walks through three steps: catch, check and change.

What the inner critic sounds like

The inner critic tends to use a few familiar patterns. Learning to recognize them is half the battle.

• Always and never. "You always mess this up." "You'll never get better at this."
• Labels. "You're lazy." "You're a bad mother." "You're stupid."
• Mind reading. "Everyone thinks you're annoying."
• Fortune telling. "This is going to be a disaster."
• Comparison. "Look how much further along she is."

Notice that none of these describe a specific event. They make sweeping judgments about who you are. That is one of the clearest signs you are hearing the critic rather than useful feedback.

Step one: catch the thought

You cannot answer a thought you have not noticed. Many critical thoughts slip by unexamined and simply leave a heavy feeling behind.

Start paying attention to sudden drops in mood. When you feel a wave of shame, discouragement or anxiety, pause and ask, "What did I just say to myself?" Then write down the exact words if you can. Getting the thought onto paper turns it from a fog into a sentence you can examine.

Some people find it helps to give the critic a name, something a little silly that reminds them the voice is not the real them. "Oh, that's just the Grump again." Naming creates a small bit of distance, and distance makes room to respond.

Step two: check it against the evidence

Now treat the thought like a claim that needs proof. Ask questions such as:

• Is this completely true, or partly true?
• What evidence supports it? What evidence goes against it?
• Would I say this to a friend in the same situation?
• Am I confusing one event with my whole identity?
• What would a fair, loving observer say about this?

Take "I can't do anything right" after forgetting an item at the store. The evidence: you forgot one item. The counter-evidence: you got the kids to school, finished your work, remembered a friend's birthday and bought every other item on the list. The thought is not a fact. It is an exaggeration wearing the costume of a fact.

Step three: change it to something true

The goal is not to swap a harsh lie for a sugary one. "I'm perfect and never make mistakes" will not hold up any better. The goal is a statement that is both true and kind.

• Instead of "I can't do anything right," try "I forgot the milk. I'm human, and I'll grab it tomorrow."
• Instead of "I'm a bad mother," try "I lost my patience tonight. I can apologize and try again tomorrow."
• Instead of "Everyone thinks I'm annoying," try "I don't actually know what everyone thinks. My close friends keep inviting me."

Say the new statement out loud if you can. It may feel awkward at first. With practice, the true statement starts to arrive faster.

The three-column exercise

Try this once a day for a week. Draw three columns on a page.

1. The thought. Write the critical thought word for word.
2. The check. Write the evidence for and against it in a sentence or two.
3. The truth. Write a replacement statement that is honest and kind.

By the end of the week, look back at your pages. You will probably notice the same few thoughts repeating. Those repeats show you where the critic has the most influence, and where answering it will help most.

Where faith speaks into self-talk

Scripture invites us to be intentional about our thoughts. The apostle Paul wrote, "whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." (Philippians 4:8, KJV). Notice the first word on that list: true. Answering the inner critic is not positive thinking for its own sake. It is choosing what is true over what is merely loud.

Coach Sharon's U R Amazing Workshops include Biblical strategies for breaking free from the lies and labels that shape how we see ourselves. If you would like to learn more, contact us.

If the critical voice turns into thoughts that you would be better off gone, or if it makes daily life hard to manage, please talk with a licensed counselor or doctor. In the US, you can call or text 988 any time to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

Frequently asked questions

Can I make my inner critic go away completely?

Probably not, and that is okay. The goal is to recognize critical thoughts quickly and answer them with the truth so they lose their power over your choices and mood.

Is my inner critic ever right?

Sometimes a critical thought contains a useful kernel, such as a reminder to prepare better. Keep the useful part, drop the harsh label and turn it into a specific next step.

How long does it take to change negative self-talk?

It varies from person to person. Many people notice the critic loses some of its sting after a few weeks of regularly catching and answering it, and the practice keeps getting easier over time.